Understanding women (A man's perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Womans Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Wife versus Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Creation

One day, a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Computer Help Line - 1

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

The man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!

Yo mamma so fat - 3

Yo mama is so fat, that people jog around her for exercise!!

Yo mamma so fat - 2

Yo mama is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!!

Yo mamma so fat - 1

Yo mama is so fat, that when she laid on the beach, people ran around yelling Free Willy!!

Blonde Joke - Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....... "

He sighed................ "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
High School drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently
married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced he Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can
correct them and say "oh yes I do!"

(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)

Little Johny - Stupid

One day, the teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!"
No one stands up. After 5 minutes little Johnny stood up.
The teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"
Johnny replies "No Mss, i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johny - Report Card

One day little Johnny's father asked him if he could see Johny's report card.
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johny - Beautiful

One day, during a grammar lesson, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just f*@king beautiful!

Little Johny - Arithmetic

One day, little Johnny returns from school and tells his parents he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the f&#king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Mood of a Woman

Mood of a Man

The Best Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and Was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through Her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman rolled her eyes as she replied, "It's square and it has Your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."