Understanding women (A man's perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Womans Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Wife versus Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Creation

One day, a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Computer Help Line - 1

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

The man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!

Yo mamma so fat - 3

Yo mama is so fat, that people jog around her for exercise!!

Yo mamma so fat - 2

Yo mama is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!!

Yo mamma so fat - 1

Yo mama is so fat, that when she laid on the beach, people ran around yelling Free Willy!!

Blonde Joke - Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....... "

He sighed................ "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
High School drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently
married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced he Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can
correct them and say "oh yes I do!"

(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)

Little Johny - Stupid

One day, the teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!"
No one stands up. After 5 minutes little Johnny stood up.
The teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"
Johnny replies "No Mss, i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johny - Report Card

One day little Johnny's father asked him if he could see Johny's report card.
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johny - Beautiful

One day, during a grammar lesson, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just f*@king beautiful!

Little Johny - Arithmetic

One day, little Johnny returns from school and tells his parents he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the f&#king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

The Best Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and Was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through Her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman rolled her eyes as she replied, "It's square and it has Your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Proof Girls are Evil

Top Ten Bad Things about having a summer time share with DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Special High Intensity Training

Here's an old Joke i had from years ago.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others.

We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)