Understanding women (A man's perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Womans Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Wife versus Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Creation

One day, a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Computer Help Line - 1

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

The man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!

Yo mamma so fat - 3

Yo mama is so fat, that people jog around her for exercise!!

Yo mamma so fat - 2

Yo mama is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!!

Yo mamma so fat - 1

Yo mama is so fat, that when she laid on the beach, people ran around yelling Free Willy!!

Blonde Joke - Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....... "

He sighed................ "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
High School drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently
married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced he Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can
correct them and say "oh yes I do!"

(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)

Little Johny - Stupid

One day, the teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!"
No one stands up. After 5 minutes little Johnny stood up.
The teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"
Johnny replies "No Mss, i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johny - Report Card

One day little Johnny's father asked him if he could see Johny's report card.
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johny - Beautiful

One day, during a grammar lesson, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just f*@king beautiful!

Little Johny - Arithmetic

One day, little Johnny returns from school and tells his parents he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the f&#king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Mood of a Woman

Mood of a Man

The Best Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and Was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through Her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman rolled her eyes as she replied, "It's square and it has Your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Proof Girls are Evil

Top Ten Bad Things about having a summer time share with DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Special High Intensity Training

Here's an old Joke i had from years ago.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others.

We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

This Dog can't decide?

How much gas do i have left?

Poor Puppy!

Tiger Hug

Crack of Dawn!

African American Hurricanes

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about.

A black congress woman reputedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal.

I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston say,..."Wordup, Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bi!$h be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest welfare office fo yo FREE shit".

How you can tell a Catholic is driving too fast!

Yoda - A dog???

Dog in Costume - 1

Disorder in the Court - Part 1

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

Disorder in the Court - Part 2

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Stop hogging the bed sheets!

Work vs Prison

How to select the right person for the job

Put 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send your candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounts Department.
B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
F. If they are sleeping, put them in Reception.
G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
H. If they are sitting doing nothing, put them in Human Resources. I
I. If they say they tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
K. If they are staring out of the window, put them on Strategic Planning.
L. And then last but not least... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in Management!

Mathematics by a Blonde - 3

Mathematics by a Blonde - 2

Mathematics by a Blonde - 1

Performance Appraisal Humor

Here is a new performance appraisal checklist:

Performance
__ Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
__ Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings
__ Can only leap over short or medium buildings with no spirals
__ Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them
__ Cannot recognize buildings at all

Timeliness
__ is faster than a speeding bullet
__ is as fast as a speeding bullet
__ Not as fast as a speeding bullet
__ Would you believe a slow bullet?
__ Often shoots self in foot when in a hurry

Initiative
__ is stronger than a locomotive
__ is stronger than a bull elephant
__ is stronger than a bull
__ shoots the bull
__ smells a lot like a bull

Adaptability
__ walks on water
__ walks on water in emergencies
__ washes with water
__ drinks water
__ passes water in emergencies

Responsibility
__ can count on him/her all the time
__ can count on him/her in most cases
__ can count on him/her some of the time
__ can count using fingers

Go to Gap, Buy a Pair of Pants (Men vs Women)

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. It really works....

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you know your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already

Stress

Making a Woman Happy

This merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how to make a woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ......................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up...............................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..................... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..........-2
You go out to buy her breakfast to be served in bed................+5
In the snow......................................................+8
But return with a six pack of beer...............-5
And forget the breakfast...............................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.......... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something....+5
You whack it with a six iron....................+10
It's her cat..................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...... 0
You leave her to chat with a college drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany...........................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................-10
With breast implants.................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday......0
You buy a card and flowers........................................0
You take her out to dinner.........................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................................-3
And your face is painted the colors of your best team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal..............................................................0
The pal is happily married.......................................+1
The pal is single.........................................................-7
He drives a Ferrari...................................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3........................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans................-9
You told her it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
You exercise to get rid of it.............................+10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..........-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".......-100
Any other response......................................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression...........0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"...............-50
You listen for 30 minutes without looking at the TV........+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

Peek a Boo

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not allowed to answer the hospital telephones. Why? Because it caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say.

Picabo, ICU.

Shaved Cat

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Blonde Joke 1

A blonde walks into a salon one day and asks for a hair cut. She waits patiently for 30 minutes listening to her iPod. Her turn finally comes and the hair dresser asks her to remove her headphones.

The blonde responds 'I can't take these off'. Can you please cut my hair but leave my headphones on.' The hair dresser looked at the blonde confused, but decided to go ahead and cut her hair.

While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones off, knocking them to the ground. When she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over onto the floor.

The hair dresser wasn't sure what happened. She called for help, checked for a pulse and the blonde seemed to be alive but must have passed out. Curious, she picked up the head phones and listened.

This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

Sometimes

Sometimes when you cry ... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes when you are worried.... no one sees your stress.
Sometimes when you are happy ... no one sees your smile.

But FART just one time! And everyone sees you!

Men that do laundry

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," his wife replied . "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Notre Dame."

Sleeping Kitten

Gods Voice Mail

Thank you for calling Heaven. For Hebrew, press 1. For English, press 2. For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Giving thanks.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquires.

I'm sorry; all personnel are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order in which it was received. Please stay on the line. If you require special attention and would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Moishe Rabbeinu, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.

Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a. m. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local religious representative.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

Procrastinator's Calendar

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

Car Accident - Your fault!

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,

"Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Tired Kittens

Chances of a Man winning an Argument

Success

At Age 4 .... Success is ... Not peeing in your pants
At Age 6 .... Success is ... Finding your way home (From school)
At Age 12 .... Success is ... Having friends
At Age 18 .... Success is ... Having a driver's license
At Age 20 .... Success is ... Having s*x
At Age 35 .... Success is ... Having money
At Age 45 .... Success is ... Having money
At Age 55 .... Success is ... Having money
At Age 60 .... Success is ... Having s*x
At Age 65 .... Success is ... Keeping a driver's license
At Age 70 .... Success is ... Having friends
At Age 75 .... Success is ... Finding your way home (From anywhere)
At Age 80 .... Success is ... Not peeing in your pants.

This Dog loves to play ball

Bad Driver

Can you read this?

Not quite a joke but this is so cool, i had to add it to this blog. You should be able to read this.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Life

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches.
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on & point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom but don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write"For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with"In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You'reNot In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ... Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ... therapy.

Never hold your farts in!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Never hold your fart in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from!

Italian Cookies

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Who axed my car?

A Prayer for Women

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. Amen!

Good Manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted.

Confusion

A husband is in his back yard trying to fly a kite, with no luck.

He throws his kite in the air, the wind caches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing down to earth. He tries this a few more times but can't seem to keep the kite in the air. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men always need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!"
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite."