Gods Voice Mail

Thank you for calling Heaven. For Hebrew, press 1. For English, press 2. For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Giving thanks.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquires.

I'm sorry; all personnel are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order in which it was received. Please stay on the line. If you require special attention and would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Moishe Rabbeinu, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.

Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a. m. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local religious representative.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

Procrastinator's Calendar

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

Car Accident - Your fault!

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,

"Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Tired Kittens

Chances of a Man winning an Argument

Success

At Age 4 .... Success is ... Not peeing in your pants
At Age 6 .... Success is ... Finding your way home (From school)
At Age 12 .... Success is ... Having friends
At Age 18 .... Success is ... Having a driver's license
At Age 20 .... Success is ... Having s*x
At Age 35 .... Success is ... Having money
At Age 45 .... Success is ... Having money
At Age 55 .... Success is ... Having money
At Age 60 .... Success is ... Having s*x
At Age 65 .... Success is ... Keeping a driver's license
At Age 70 .... Success is ... Having friends
At Age 75 .... Success is ... Finding your way home (From anywhere)
At Age 80 .... Success is ... Not peeing in your pants.

This Dog loves to play ball

Bad Driver

Can you read this?

Not quite a joke but this is so cool, i had to add it to this blog. You should be able to read this.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Life

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches.
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on & point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom but don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write"For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with"In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You'reNot In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ... Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ... therapy.

Never hold your farts in!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Never hold your fart in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from!

Italian Cookies

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Who axed my car?

A Prayer for Women

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. Amen!

Good Manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted.

Confusion

A husband is in his back yard trying to fly a kite, with no luck.

He throws his kite in the air, the wind caches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing down to earth. He tries this a few more times but can't seem to keep the kite in the air. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men always need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!"
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite."