Proof Girls are Evil

Top Ten Bad Things about having a summer time share with DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Special High Intensity Training

Here's an old Joke i had from years ago.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others.

We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

This Dog can't decide?

How much gas do i have left?

Poor Puppy!

Tiger Hug

Crack of Dawn!

African American Hurricanes

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about.

A black congress woman reputedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal.

I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston say,..."Wordup, Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bi!$h be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest welfare office fo yo FREE shit".

How you can tell a Catholic is driving too fast!

Yoda - A dog???

Dog in Costume - 1

Disorder in the Court - Part 1

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

Disorder in the Court - Part 2

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Stop hogging the bed sheets!

Work vs Prison

How to select the right person for the job

Put 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send your candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounts Department.
B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
F. If they are sleeping, put them in Reception.
G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
H. If they are sitting doing nothing, put them in Human Resources. I
I. If they say they tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
K. If they are staring out of the window, put them on Strategic Planning.
L. And then last but not least... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in Management!

Mathematics by a Blonde - 3

Mathematics by a Blonde - 2

Mathematics by a Blonde - 1

Performance Appraisal Humor

Here is a new performance appraisal checklist:

Performance
__ Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
__ Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings
__ Can only leap over short or medium buildings with no spirals
__ Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them
__ Cannot recognize buildings at all

Timeliness
__ is faster than a speeding bullet
__ is as fast as a speeding bullet
__ Not as fast as a speeding bullet
__ Would you believe a slow bullet?
__ Often shoots self in foot when in a hurry

Initiative
__ is stronger than a locomotive
__ is stronger than a bull elephant
__ is stronger than a bull
__ shoots the bull
__ smells a lot like a bull

Adaptability
__ walks on water
__ walks on water in emergencies
__ washes with water
__ drinks water
__ passes water in emergencies

Responsibility
__ can count on him/her all the time
__ can count on him/her in most cases
__ can count on him/her some of the time
__ can count using fingers

Go to Gap, Buy a Pair of Pants (Men vs Women)

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. It really works....

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you know your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already

Stress

Making a Woman Happy

This merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how to make a woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ......................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up...............................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..................... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..........-2
You go out to buy her breakfast to be served in bed................+5
In the snow......................................................+8
But return with a six pack of beer...............-5
And forget the breakfast...............................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.......... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something....+5
You whack it with a six iron....................+10
It's her cat..................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...... 0
You leave her to chat with a college drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany...........................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................-10
With breast implants.................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday......0
You buy a card and flowers........................................0
You take her out to dinner.........................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................................-3
And your face is painted the colors of your best team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal..............................................................0
The pal is happily married.......................................+1
The pal is single.........................................................-7
He drives a Ferrari...................................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3........................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans................-9
You told her it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
You exercise to get rid of it.............................+10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..........-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".......-100
Any other response......................................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression...........0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"...............-50
You listen for 30 minutes without looking at the TV........+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

Peek a Boo

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not allowed to answer the hospital telephones. Why? Because it caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say.

Picabo, ICU.

Shaved Cat

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Blonde Joke 1

A blonde walks into a salon one day and asks for a hair cut. She waits patiently for 30 minutes listening to her iPod. Her turn finally comes and the hair dresser asks her to remove her headphones.

The blonde responds 'I can't take these off'. Can you please cut my hair but leave my headphones on.' The hair dresser looked at the blonde confused, but decided to go ahead and cut her hair.

While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones off, knocking them to the ground. When she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over onto the floor.

The hair dresser wasn't sure what happened. She called for help, checked for a pulse and the blonde seemed to be alive but must have passed out. Curious, she picked up the head phones and listened.

This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

Sometimes

Sometimes when you cry ... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes when you are worried.... no one sees your stress.
Sometimes when you are happy ... no one sees your smile.

But FART just one time! And everyone sees you!

Men that do laundry

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," his wife replied . "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Notre Dame."

Sleeping Kitten